Me or Him...

You know, I'm constantly amazed at God's grace. I'm still reading Titus, but today is so much more encouraging than yesterday. I mean, seriously, reading lists of who I should be (and know I'm not really that person!) versus being reminded of the fact that God's love and grace have absolutely nothing to do with me. It's an awesome realization. Yeah, I know God's grace is a "free gift" and I can spout off platitudes until I'm blue in the face (part of being a pastor type person). But, until I hear the voice of God whispering in my ear as I read His word, it's not real yet. In fact, until I hit today, my reading had sent me into a bit of a funk simply because I had heard God speak and it was some of the same things I was thinking: I need to follow, simply and honestly; I need to obey, simply because He loves me; I need to listen more, simply because I'm so loud; I need to love Him more, simply because I know how much He loves me. But there's so much more to it than just that. I look at what I see, feel, hear, and think and it only stands to confirm my complete failure most days. It's kind of scary, actually. I look at where I fall, time and again, I address the issues and try to move on, but then I fall again. It's my life, but I want to be so much more. I feel I should be so much more. In fact, I know that I can, and ought, to be so much more. I don't mean a "super Christian", but I do think I should be similar. But, that is my desire to "earn" my way to God's grace. When in fact, I already am there.

Yes, I should want to do "good" things. In fact, I feel very driven by the fact that doing "good" things is part of what Jesus directly tells me to do: love others. But, I cannot let the good I want to do and feel I ought to do become my replacement for the free gift of grace. I suppose I'm stuck in the paradox and unable to straighten it all out in my mind: God's grace is not free because it cost so much (His only son), yet it is only free because I can in no way ever earn it or deserve it. This is the truth that makes my head hurt. I know God loves me. I know that God freely forgives me because I have one who sits at His right hand and intercedes for me. But, I still feel inclined to believe I should be so much more. Perhaps the feelings are right, perhaps not. Today all I am going to hang onto is the fact that it's not about me and anything I've done, but by His mercy that I am justified through grace. That's a great thing...

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