Why I live...
I'm embarking on a season of self reflection. This will be a time of intense scrutiny as to my real intentions, my real purposes, and the real meaning of my life. Today I'm looking at why I live. Has anyone ever asked you the question, "Why do you live?" or more commonly phrased, "What do you live for?" Both questions hit the core question of our human life making us think about why we are here, what our purpose is and why we have the chance to even think about it.
I have so much information to pull from: my philosophical training gives me answers and more questions, my theological training provides all the answers I should ever need, and my experience shows both to have valid answers and the questions to remain... But, as Socrates said, "An unexamined life is not worth living," so I am taking some time to look at my life. The purpose behind what I do and why, is what I really am looking for. Yeah, I have the easy answer that I wish I could say was true, but if I really dig beyond the instant answer what do I say? The instant answer, the churchy answer, is that I live for Jesus. But, like I said, that's not strictly true. I do a lot for Jesus, I believe in Jesus, I love Jesus, but when it all comes down is He why I live? As I examine myself, I see things that disturb me: foremost among them the fact that my instant answer may not be true. It's what I've said, it's what I've thought, but is it the truth? Right now it seems to be no more than a mask I pull over to make myself look better. I think when it all comes down, I live for my own selfish desires. I hate it, but it's what I have to conclude. I do so many things based on my own selfish want for something (food, enjoyment, pride, rep, love, etc.). On the other hand, I do so many things out of selflessness (taking care of my family first, loving on my students, being a good father, etc.). I'm not even sure I can reconcile the two opposing forces (selfishness versus selflessness) inside myself. Maybe that's why it's so hard to nail down the answer to why I live...
I know what I believe, what I do, and what I say. But, what is the total of the sum? What is at the root of everything? If I really pull back the layers of stuff surrounding me what is there? Honestly, there are more options than I thought possible. There is part of me that lives solely for Jesus, there is a part that lives solely for myself, and there is also a part that does things for others (I don't count this as for Jesus because He's not the motivation, although this does stem from knowing Him). I don't know how those square up. Living for myself is the opposite of living for Jesus and living for others stems back from knowing Jesus, but I just don't think I can say that He is the reason I live. I think my relationship with Him isn't nearly as much of a factor as other things, but the knowledge and pursuit of Him is a huge part of who I am...
Perhaps it's me being over critical of myself? I don't really know. I just know that I am not satisfied with my current relationship with Jesus because it seems so shallow and lacking fullness. I couldn't tell you why, but that is where I am right now. I feel like I'm adrift out there somewhere just looking for land in an endless ocean. But, why is that? I haven't put a finger on it, although I think part of it is my legalistic bent towards looking at my life with Christ. If I haven't done all of these things, I must not be living with/for Him. That sums up a portion of my problem. I have a lot of things I look to as "have to" not "get to." That perspective got the Pharisees in big trouble because they laid all this out as what it meant to follow. If you didn't follow all 5 kajillion of their rules the way they read it, you weren't a real follower. Have I made Jesus into a list of do's and don't's? Have I eliminated all passion in my following by making it a legal requirement for my spiritual life? I think that may be more of it than anything else...
I have a tendency to be legalistic more than passionate and purposeful. If there is no passion or purpose to a relationship, what has become of that relationship? That's a scary question. If my relationship with Jesus has become mostly legalism without passion, is there any relationship there? Tough questions and a lot to chew on this morning... I'll fill in more later and keep on this path of self examination...
I have so much information to pull from: my philosophical training gives me answers and more questions, my theological training provides all the answers I should ever need, and my experience shows both to have valid answers and the questions to remain... But, as Socrates said, "An unexamined life is not worth living," so I am taking some time to look at my life. The purpose behind what I do and why, is what I really am looking for. Yeah, I have the easy answer that I wish I could say was true, but if I really dig beyond the instant answer what do I say? The instant answer, the churchy answer, is that I live for Jesus. But, like I said, that's not strictly true. I do a lot for Jesus, I believe in Jesus, I love Jesus, but when it all comes down is He why I live? As I examine myself, I see things that disturb me: foremost among them the fact that my instant answer may not be true. It's what I've said, it's what I've thought, but is it the truth? Right now it seems to be no more than a mask I pull over to make myself look better. I think when it all comes down, I live for my own selfish desires. I hate it, but it's what I have to conclude. I do so many things based on my own selfish want for something (food, enjoyment, pride, rep, love, etc.). On the other hand, I do so many things out of selflessness (taking care of my family first, loving on my students, being a good father, etc.). I'm not even sure I can reconcile the two opposing forces (selfishness versus selflessness) inside myself. Maybe that's why it's so hard to nail down the answer to why I live...
I know what I believe, what I do, and what I say. But, what is the total of the sum? What is at the root of everything? If I really pull back the layers of stuff surrounding me what is there? Honestly, there are more options than I thought possible. There is part of me that lives solely for Jesus, there is a part that lives solely for myself, and there is also a part that does things for others (I don't count this as for Jesus because He's not the motivation, although this does stem from knowing Him). I don't know how those square up. Living for myself is the opposite of living for Jesus and living for others stems back from knowing Jesus, but I just don't think I can say that He is the reason I live. I think my relationship with Him isn't nearly as much of a factor as other things, but the knowledge and pursuit of Him is a huge part of who I am...
Perhaps it's me being over critical of myself? I don't really know. I just know that I am not satisfied with my current relationship with Jesus because it seems so shallow and lacking fullness. I couldn't tell you why, but that is where I am right now. I feel like I'm adrift out there somewhere just looking for land in an endless ocean. But, why is that? I haven't put a finger on it, although I think part of it is my legalistic bent towards looking at my life with Christ. If I haven't done all of these things, I must not be living with/for Him. That sums up a portion of my problem. I have a lot of things I look to as "have to" not "get to." That perspective got the Pharisees in big trouble because they laid all this out as what it meant to follow. If you didn't follow all 5 kajillion of their rules the way they read it, you weren't a real follower. Have I made Jesus into a list of do's and don't's? Have I eliminated all passion in my following by making it a legal requirement for my spiritual life? I think that may be more of it than anything else...
I have a tendency to be legalistic more than passionate and purposeful. If there is no passion or purpose to a relationship, what has become of that relationship? That's a scary question. If my relationship with Jesus has become mostly legalism without passion, is there any relationship there? Tough questions and a lot to chew on this morning... I'll fill in more later and keep on this path of self examination...
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